


a bitter taste and a blinding light

by TechnicalTragedy



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Friendship/Love, Heartache, Queerplatonic Relationships, spoilers through episode 57
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-18 22:31:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7333267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TechnicalTragedy/pseuds/TechnicalTragedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We'll love each other to death, probably."</p><p>"Probably."</p><p> It's the first time they've agreed on anything in months.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a bitter taste and a blinding light

**Author's Note:**

> having feelings over Percy and Keyleth after rewatching Hope. i love druid daughter and gun son.
> 
> title from [Deep Water](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmMxZmerOFg) by The Middle East.

Neither of them are certain as to how it started, but they both know it's never been any kind of love in the romantic sense of the word. Percy and Keyleth fall into bed together, not for carnal intimacy, but for intimacy all the same.

 

They hold each other. Keyleth peppers kisses across Percy's face when he wakes from night terrors and sees demons in every shadow. Percy strokes through Keyleth's hair as she reads with her head on his lap.

 

Often, they argue. Keyleth doesn't agree with the way Percy does things. His only concern is the safety of his family.

 

“Can't you see?” he'll ask of her. “This is how I can keep us all safe! If we want to protect ourselves, this is something we must do.”

 

Keyleth will shake her head, her crown on the desk in the corner of the room. “This isn't good, Percy. If we do this, we're no better than the people we claim are evil. We have to think of the people!”

 

But at the end of the day, when they're done railing at one another, Percy will come to Keyleth with apology on his face. He won't back down from his opinion, but he knows to say sorry for some of the acid he spit. Keyleth will nod, and apologize in turn. They'll share a kiss, just to remind each other of their devotion.

 

Percy will return to his workshop, and Keyleth will follow him so she can remind him to eat.

 

 

>>>

 

 

“Are we still-” Keyleth starts, but cuts herself off before she can finish. She doesn't want to ask, doesn't want to risk Percy rejecting her.

 

Percy looks up from his book. “Still what?”

 

Keyleth sighs, struggling to find the words for what she wants to ask. “Are we still what we were? Whatever we were, before Vax and I...”

 

Percy sets his book down, giving Keyleth his full attention. “Do you want that?”

 

“I don't see why it would have to stop,” Keyleth says. “We were never romantic.”

 

There's nothing for Percy to do but smile and say, “It's up to you, darling. I'm just not certain Vax would understand exactly what we are to each other.”

 

“Friends,” Keyleth is quick to say. “We're friends.”

 

“Yes,” Percy says.

 

There is a beat of silence, until Percy lifts his arm to gesture Keyleth over. She goes to him and tucks herself into his side. He goes back to reading the book on the de Rolos he'd found in his father's study, and Keyleth opens her own book on potionmaking.

 

After a long while, Percy presses a kiss into Keyleth's hair. “I love you, you know,” he says. “No matter what you choose, remember that I love you.”

 

“I love you, too,” Keyleth says, and hopes that whatever she decides, it's the right choice.

 

 

>>>

 

 

There are complications. Percy and Keyleth grow farther and farther apart as their arguments get worse. They still love each other. They can't help but hurt each other.

 

“I love you,” Keyleth says. She isn't using it as a weapon. They're curled into each other for now, legs entwined, both of them needing the comfort.

 

“And I, you,” Percy smiles, but there is no amusement in it. Nothing about their estrangement is pleasurable to him. “We'll love each other to death, probably.”

 

“Probably,” Keyleth says,

 

It's the first time they've agreed on anything in months.

 

Percy has another nightmare that night. Keyleth isn't there. He goes to his workshop and hammers at metal until he feels less bent out of shape than the piece he's working with. It hardly helps, and he doesn't get back to sleep that night.

 

Keyleth goes to Vax and doesn't tell him she loves him. She can't sleep because Vax breathes too deeply and it's nothing like Percy. That night she sees Percy's demons crawling up the walls and wonders if she's breaking.

 

 

>>>

 

 

“I'm a terrible person,” Percy says.

 

Keyleth has always wondered why he brings it up when she knows how sensitive a subject it is to him. “Yes,” she says.

 

His hands still where they're fiddling with a part of the gun he'd taken from Doctor Ripley. Keyleth doesn't miss the way his brow furrows, his jaw clenches. She isn't good at taking social cues but she knows Percy possibly even better than she knows herself.

 

“Usually family doesn't agree with sentiments of that sort,” Percy says.

 

“We aren't family,” Keyleth says. They'd agreed to stay whatever they were, but she isn't sure she'd call them family.

 

At this, Percy finally looks over to her. “You're really going to say that? After everything, you're going to say we aren't family?”

 

Keyleth sets her jaw. “Friends. We decided on friends. And family doesn't usually kill family, unless you've already forgotten what you did to Vex?”

 

“Get out,” Percy says, quiet. When Keyleth doesn't move he stands, hands balled into tight fists at his sides. “I said _get out_ , Keyleth!”

 

The door closes between them. They both wonder how they got to this point.

 

“I was out of line,” Keyleth says later.

 

“You were,” Percy says.

 

There is a long, considering silence. “I'm sorry,” Keyleth finally says.

 

Percy sighs, closing his eyes as if he's in pain. “Are we still the same?” he asks. “Because I feel that we haven't been quite what we were in a long while.”

 

“I know we've run into some, well, _problems_ ,” Keyleth says, “but Percy, I don't see why-”

 

“Do you know the lengths I would go to to protect you?” Percy interrupts, still not looking at Keyleth. “I would do whatever it took. Anything at all.”

 

Keyleth swallows. “You know I would do anything for you, too. I love you, Percy. You're my best friend.”

 

“Am I?” he says, almost so quiet that she doesn't hear it. “I've always loved you, Keyleth, never as a sister, or lover, or even as a friend. We've always been something in between. But I'm not sure where we go from here.”

 

Keyleth hesitates a moment, then moves closer, slipping her fingers through Percy's and putting her head on his shoulder. “We go forward,” she says.

 

There is a long moment where the world is entirely still, where Keyleth isn't even sure if they're breathing. Percy exhales like a gunshot. His free arm wraps around her, and they stand together for minutes, hours, years.

 

It's not okay, but it's an improvement.

 

 

>>>

 

 

The night before Umbrasyl, Percy seeks Keyleth out. They find each other, and as they meet eyes they are children in the night, hiding away from the nightmares the dark brings.

 

“If we don't live past tomorrow-” Percy says.

 

“This isn't goodbye,” Keyleth says, not letting him finish whatever thought he was going to put into words. “Even if we die, we'll find each other again. The Ashari teaches of reincarnation, of the cycle of life and death and rebirth, and I don't know much about other gods, but I know I've always thought it was a beautiful concept.”

 

Percy nods, then nods again. “Then we'll find each other in the next life. I may not be Percy, you may not be Keyleth, Vax and Vex and Grog and Scanlan and Pike may not be themselves, but we will find each other. Always. Vox Machina belongs together, no matter what form we take.”

 

Keyleth nods back at him, then wraps him up in her arms.

 

Percy squeezes his eyes closed, pressing his lips into Keyleth's hair, ignoring the sharp poke of her crown in his cheek, and cradling the back of her head. “I love you, Keyleth. So much.”

 

A kiss is pressed into his neck. “I love you, too,” she whispers.

 

After a long, long hug, they begin to separate. It's a gradual process, as slow as evolution, until they finally stand facing each other, their hands clasped between them as they think over everything they've been, and everything they haven't.

 

For a brief moment, Percy is at a loss, not quite sure how to express what he needs to. It's a rare thing, for the wordsmith to not be able to articulate his thoughts.

 

“I,” he says. He swallows. “I would like to apologize. For everything I have done to hurt you. It was never my intention.”

 

Keyleth smiles, and it is wobbly but true. “I should apologize, too. I've hurt you so much, and I am very sorry, Percy.”

 

Percy squeezes her hands. “You have always loved me and forgiven me for my many, many mistakes. You have been the best friend I could have ever asked for, and I am so, so grateful to have met you. Even at our most venomous, I have always loved you dearly.”

 

“I feel the same,” she says, feeling tears in her eyes. They embrace once more, clutching onto each other like lifelines.

 

After that second, much shorter hug, Percy and Keyleth part.

 

 

>>>

 

 

After Umbrasyl, after Keyleth's talk with Kerrek, after Vox Machina returns to Vasselheim and Percy has a talk with the Raven Queen, after they end up back at Whitestone, but before Hotis strikes, Keyleth treks down to the workshop to find Percy. She's done a lot of reflecting, and every question she poses to herself returns one answer.

 

She clears her throat, and Percy looks up, setting aside whatever project he's working on when he sees her.

 

“Keyleth! Wasn't expecting you to visit,” he says. He's smiling. He hardly ever smiles, these days, though it isn't as if he ever smiled much in the first place.

 

She sees no point in beating around the bush. “I don't think we should be, um, whatever we are, anymore. I had a talk with Kerrek and I, well, I've done a lot of thinking. I don't think we're good for each other anymore. Maybe, you know, at one point, we were, but now it all just feels like such a chore between the dragonslaying and whatever Vax and I are.” Keyleth pauses. “You understand, right?”

 

And no, Percy doesn't understand, not entirely, but he nods. “Yes, I... I understand. And my feelings remain the same that they've always been. It's up to you.”

 

“I don't want to feel like this is all on me, Percy!” Keyleth says. “I still love you, of course I do, but I think it will be healthier for both of us if we stop whatever this is and go back to being friends. Maybe even family.”

 

Percy smiles, despite the ache in his heart. “No matter what capacity you prefer it in, you have my love and affection.”

 

“And you're okay if it isn't quite what it was?” Keyleth asks, cautious.

 

“No matter what you choose,” Percy reminds her. They're both taken back to that night that seems so long ago, now. And in spite of the time passed, the distance that has grown between them, the memory brings pangs of wistfulness.

 

Keyleth nods, and turns to leave. She hesitates in the doorway, thinking of how gaunt Percy is looking, wondering if he's eaten today, if he's remembering to take care of himself, and says over her shoulder, “I do love you, Percy. Very much. Don't think that has changed.”

 

There is a silence that stretches for just a moment too long before he answers, “I know.”

 

Percy listens to Keyleth's footsteps take her away from him for as long as he can hear them. Each soft _pat_ is a reminder of his failure. When she's gone, truly gone, Percy finally turns back to his forge. He wonders why it hurts so much. He wonders if it hurts as much for her, and wonders if it's evil to hope it does.

 

He stokes the dwindling flames. His fears can't reach him in the burning of the firelight. He wishes suddenly Keyleth hadn't been able to, either.

 

Keyleth hears, distantly, Percy return to work, his hammer pounding metal again and again. He'll be okay. She knows it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> (also i have a [tumblr](http://aramente.tumblr.com/) where i yell abt critical role sometimes)


End file.
